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I had taken my laptop to the states and on it I had photographs of Amanda and I in happier times, some nights my heart would feel heavy at the loss, but I never let it show in my few emails to Amanda, I had been in the states about 5 months when I received a email from Susan saying how worried she was about Amanda it seemed she had lost a lot of weight and was in trouble keeping on top of her job so much so that she had been forced to take some leave to sort herself out. Susan begged me to be kinder to Amanda and ended her email by adding that she really believed that Amanda thought what she was doing was for both our benefits and begged me to call Amanda for a chat if I still cared about her to help her through her depression. That evening I sat down and composed a long email in which I explained all my feelings, the betrayal, the sickness in my stomach and how I hated her and myself for letting it happen, I reminded her how I had accepted the initial blame for the start of her. Personally, I had no idea. The idea of being fucked by Harley was a tremendous turn on because Nick was interested, I had experienced Harley’s tongue and easily orgasmed, and the whole thing was so taboo. The actual mechanics of dog mating was quite different. Maybe I was just clueless about dogs or never saw an aroused one or one that was not ‘fixed’. But, I had no idea about the knot and that it could lock the male and female dogs together, that the purpose was to hold in the semen longer for a higher probability of fertilization. He wasn’t going to impregnate me, but the idea of a part of the dog’s penis growing into a ball that would be pushed into me, then inflate even bigger, then hold us together until he relaxed and the knot deflated … I am glad I learned that before.After discovering all this, Nick made the decision to slow this idea down for a few days. Even though I wasn’t objecting or backing away, he sensed this was more than I had naively expected. That it was more than.
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